A Burning Man Polemic

 

In my experience, burners talk about burning man too much. I find the conversation annoying in the same way as having someone talk at you about their fantasy football team or their gambling addiction confirming 9-team parlay. If they kept all their playa chatter to themselves I would probably not care about it one way or the other. But since I've been forced to hear about it for 15 years now, I have formed opinions on something that in the grand scheme of things is relatively harmless. So indulge me as I let my inner hater out for a spell.

 

Famously dumb guy, elon musk, once boasted, "burning man is silicon valley." Honestly, that simple statement is more damning than anything I can drum up, I should probably end this here and move forward with my day. But we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the garishness.

 

As much as people in the tech bubble probably think that their presence is a good thing, because they lack even a modicum of self awareness, I do not agree. These boring lizard people being such a large part of the scene actually sounds like one of dante's circles of hell. If I was conjuring a "this is gonna really fucking suck" scenario, I'm not sure I could come up with something as dreadful as attending a burning man festival full of jaw grinding ai hucksters. 

 

Let's start with the locale, you're in the middle of the desert in the summer with no running water, surrounded by a bunch of maha faux-spiritual crypto ravers that are mainlining drugs and booze. Instead of having to interact or have a whole ass conversation with any of those people for one single minute, let alone a whole week of that inanity, maybe just shoot me in the face. 

 

Have you ever gotten stuck talking to someone coked to the gills, and they're close talking you and aggressively yammering about god knows what, and all you want to do is back the fuck away from them, well, what if everyone around you was like that, and again, you're stuck in the desert, loud terrible music is pummeling your psyche into the ground, and you can't leave easily. Woof, no thanks, kinda sounds like the basis for an m. night shyamalan movie.

 

Also, the outfits, you know, the futuristic steampunk sci-fi amalgam of whatever it wants to be called, well it gives off theatre kid vibes, and offends my midwestern sensibilities. You're not Blade, actually you're way closer to the goofy looking dreadlocked matrix twins.

I understand the founding principles of the festival probably weren't what they are now, but eventually every hyped up "cool" thing gets co-opted by the tacky scenechasers of the world and it turns into a rich people playground. Nothing says community and togetherness and living in harmony like tiering out which campsite you can be at by the obscene amount of money you're willing to spend. As far as I can tell what burning man is now, and has always been really, just with considerably less wealthy and deeply wack people, is a drug orgy rave cavorting inside a sandstorm that camouflages itself in a thin veneer of art and oddity. I think I would respect the idea of the whole thing more if people were just real and honest about wanting to be hedonistic out in the desert instead of whatever mumbo jumbo gets spouted about it being some life changing, perspective altering experience. Having taken my fair share of concoctions, anything can seem transcendent when you're riding the lightning.